a place to throw the story arcs of my unconscious, usually with bonus analysis.

date / themes


> analysis

February 15th, 2024 / funny

An animated video of Ogata viscerally screaming and crying, punching the floor in his grief, with the caption: 'MY PUSSY WAS THE FISH BOY'.

February 4th, 2024 / funny, identity, surreal

I was in a library-esque building and this guy near me started talking about his life experiences, aloud to no one in particular. "Y'know, guys say morphine will fuck you up but that's not all there is to it," is one remark he makes. He was trying to explain how people tend to focus only on drugs when they talk about having messy pasts but how that wasn't the case for him. He's doing that thing where he's talking both self-aggrandizing and self-deprecating at the same time; glorifying his struggles, essentially. We're in a room comprised of small cliques and no one is really listening to him, but I feel bad and end up nodding my head and mhm-ing to be nice. He turns and looks me up and down, clearly appraising my appearance and body. Then he starts up about his life again, this time talking in a theatrical way that shows me he's trying to charm/impress his way into my pants. Later, these other queer people appear out of nowhere, huddling around me as if I was a magnet (fagnet? Sorry). We chat a bit. There's this fellow trans girl among them who I find very pretty. I get along with her the best. She had pink butterfly clips in her braids. She's a bit odd, but I try not to judge. We watch some videos on her phone and I quickly pick up that she likes dark humor (aka violent things), which I recognize as iffy but I'm too amiable to say anything. Out of the blue, she asks to rub my belly. I'm taken aback and made shy but again, attractive girl, so I agree. I'm too flustered to lift my shirt properly so she just tugs it up for me and starts rubbing and playing with my stomach while I'm laid on my back. Meanwhile, this 16-second video is playing on loop on her phone in the background. The audio in the second half of it says something strange: "You're a trans girl being jacked off with a knife dildo up your ass." The video is just a sparkly and bloody image of an anime girl. When that part comes on, I bolt straight up because now I'm more than just a little weirded out. Nervously smiling, I say "That's not what I'm doing..." She replies nonchalantly with something along the lines of "But aren't you?"

January 24th, 2024 / nightmare, violence, abuse

I was with my friends Cloud and Ivy. We have been driving around in the car all day, going random places and having fun. I suggest we go to the parking lot of my apartment and hang out there. When we get there, I show them inside my place: it was small but cozy, situated at the top floor. I have a cat and a dog, both small, fluffy, and white. We leave at some point to drive more. While in the car, I get a random threatening text from my abuser, which prompts us to return to my complex. Looking up at the balcony from below, Cloud points out that the door to my apartment is now ajar. There is also a few random items scattered around the ground outside that were mine. I suddenly notice my abuser hunched over in a corner on the outside of the building near the entrance, hood up. She notices that I noticed and gets up, coming to me with her hands shoved in her hoodie. When she's close enough, she yanks a hand out and tries to stab me in the gut with a knife, but I back up in time and she fails. Me and my friends jump back in the car and speed off. Later, not knowing what else to do, we go back to my apartment and head up the stairwell. We're being very cautious because we know by this point that she has it out for me and likely broke into my home. When we get to my door, I unlock it and these random girls jump out, also wielding pocket knives that they then try to stab me with. Thankfully, I leaped backwards as soon as I unlocked the door, so they miss. They hiss some vague threats but swiftly disperse and leave. Entering my apartment, I notice right away that my dog is now gone. Luckily my cat is still there and okay. My abuser texts me again, repeatedly sending the message "If you want Rainbows back, you have to meet me one-on-one or else I'm going to torture her to death." Rainbows was not the name of my dog but rather the name she had supposedly given it herself. "I love that dog but I'm not going to let myself get killed," I tell my friends, who agree that I shouldn't risk it. I also tell them that if she shows up or we hear anything suspicious to just grab my cat and book it. I check out the front door after a little bit and see her climbing the stairs in a mask. I alert my friends that she's right outside, and while I don't remember specifically seeing us get out, we do manage to leave. Much later and we are now at some sort of house party. My abuser has physically transformed into a different person and so have the people she had break into my house. Throughout the party, she's trying to convince people she did nothing wrong, twisting the narrative that my dog (that she was still keeping) was actually always hers. She tries to egg me into a fight at one point, but I recognize that what she wants is for me to hit her so she could call the cops and have me put in jail. I avoid her shit but am left emotionally exhausted and vexed.

> I usually do not wake from dreams distraught, but this was one of the times I did. To be frank, I was terrified, more terrified awake than when I was in the dream. The storyline and events here are very obviously the results of living in fear of murder at the hands of my abuser. While I can't possibly paint every single angle of degeneracy right here and now, the gist is that my abuser, a violent person who had threatened my life and well-being multiple times (alongside others) when I was with her, purposefully moved to live close to me. The fear of her showing up to my home, or of potentially encountering her someplace, and being subsequently killed or hurt is something that fucks with me severely. Because it's simply a real risk now; a reality. So it makes sense that my brain would need to vent that terror somehow. The fact she physically changed her appearance at the end of the dream but remained the same person inside is too obvious of a metaphor to need any explanation. It's also worth noting that surrounding the time of having this dream were a handful of other violent dreams that I haven't yet put here. I adore the enigma of the human brain and its strange mechanisms in regards to things like dealing with trauma, but I do not adore being plagued by the same anxieties I experience in the waking world while asleep.

January 21st, 2024 / family, comfort

My dad and my ex-step-mother had a child, but they didn't take care of him. I ended up being the one looking after him most of the time. I was at my grandma's house with him, laying on this alcove bed near a window. He comes over to me and I reach my arm out to carefully pull him into my arms so we can cuddle. He looked really happy when I did, as he didn't get any attention from my father. My grandma sees this and tells me "Ohh, you're a natural." While cuddling with the boy, I blow gently into his mouth as a joke, and his face immediately lights up with glee before he does it back to me. We keep doing it back and forth, making each other laugh.

> This dream was really cute. I think I may have had such a parental dream because I chose to cuddle with a plush before bed, which I usually don't do. The way I blew into the boy's mouth is likely picked up from seeing my own father blow into my baby nephew's face in real life, which made him smile and attempt to mimic him.

January 20th, 2024 / funny

I was in a big, eerie house with little lighting, and whatever was illuminated was very dim. The Beatles lived in the house. I don't know why I was sneaking around because I think I was allowed to be there. Maybe I was scared of them. At some point I believe them all to be gone so I go downstairs to get some water from the fridge, but the water it dispenses is dirty. One of the Beatles suddenly appears behind me and tells me to "use the Brita".

January 17th, 2024 / surreal

I was in a school building with a friend group, which was me and about four other people. I had a crush on one of them, and I kept clinging to him. At one point we're in a classroom and the teacher tells us to line up and sit down according to our birthdays. Me and the others sit down and I'm the third person in the line. For whatever reason I get anxious, so I wrap my arms around my crush and lean into him, which he doesn't mind. The line is a really tight fit. Eventually, the teacher stops us after about half the people have sat down in chronological order. She says "If you were born from January to June, you're good." I breathe a sigh of relief despite not knowing what that means. A girl farther down the line asks something about what happens to the other people. For some reason, I suddenly know and reply with "Do you really have to ask? They become Donation Maids." Donation Maids, or Blood Maids, are people used for organ harvesting. I guess that cultivation system depended on people's birthdays.

January 11th and January 12th, 2024 / continuation, nature

The first centered on me building a small, man-made river leading from the ocean to through the backyard of my house in the dream. I asked my dad if it was alright before doing so. I used a wide and flat hand shovel to make it, and the ground outside around the water was made of sand so it was rather easy to do. The second dream I had ended up continuing this dream, as I went back to the river I made to adjust the depth and width of it. I saw a bunch of curious water snake species this time: they would crawl out of the river to look at me, which was cute. I wanted to build a pond for the water to flow into.

December 22nd, 2023 / identity, apocalypse, funny

I was in the girl's restroom in a stall, trying to pee. This girl and her friend walk in and peer at me through the crack in the door, saying "Ugh! You took my stall!" I tell her to stop and go away so I can pee but she barges in, starting to argue with me. Her friend even joins in. The whole time I'm just thinking "I have to pee so bad." They keep leaving and then immediately coming back right before I can piss. Eventually, someone sees what's happening and runs up to help me, grabbing one of the girls and holding her in place while calling for someone to alert some sort of authority. I pee and leave the stall, and there's this older woman at the entrance to the bathroom I stop to talk to. Things start changing and a kid stumbles around a short distance away from me, his skin turned blue. The lady explains to me what's happening, saying there was stomach bacteria going around that turned people that way. She mentions that one of the transphobic girls had traces of it in her room, saying "You know what that means." I don't, really. I decide to leave, juking the "zombies" and escaping in this fancy black sportscar (I stole it). It's nighttime and I'm panicked so I'm driving really erratically. I pass this swath of woods and hear something from within, so I get out of the car and go towards them, but then I trip and tumble down a really steep slope. I hear Cesare from Big Top Burger faintly alongside the show's music and I'm like 'oh shit, where is he?'. I find him in the middle of the forest and we switch POVs: he does this demon move with a magic ball and chain, slamming it into the earth before he disappears. After that, the world just kind of turns into a dystopia due to the zombie apocalypse. Apparently, humanity messed up and made the "second coming of Satan" bad-- I guess we were supposed to make it so when he reincarnated, he wouldn't have been as evil. So now we're all doomed. Steven Universe was there at some point.

> I think the moral of this dream is that transphobia leads to the end of the world.

November 30th, 2023 / funny, food

Three mangos I had gotten became ripe and I was happy. That's it.

> I had three mangos in real life that I was waiting to ripen with bated breath. When I woke up, I went to check them, and one was ripe! I ate it. I was happy.

November 19th, 2023 / family, insecurity

I was at one of my old childhood houses, in the kitchen. My dad sends me a text asking what I wanted for the holidays but I never respond because I was thinking of what to say. When he returns, it's fine, but he off-handedly says "You aren't a good talker, I mean, look at these texts!" in reference to how I fail to respond to texts, and when I do, I use a lot of the same words or phrases. That makes me snap and yell "Oh, my daughter is so ugly! Oh, my daughter is not like her sisters! Oh, my daughter is a failure!" alongside other things, as if that was what he was thinking to himself. He looks bewildered and I stomp away. I sit out in the living room on top of a stool in front of the TV cabinet, crying, perhaps waiting for him to comfort and apologize to me, which never happens. Eventually, I tire of crying and get up, putting a jacket on to take a walk. But then my step-mom walks into the room and asks where I'm going. I tell her, and she tells me "no, you can't go alone" in a snarky tone of voice, yet I still walk out into the pool room that connects to the outside, prompting her to follow me. Her dog waddles up to me while I'm adjusting my clothes and I gently nudge him away with a foot. She sees this and hisses "Don't kick my dog.", which both confuses and vexes me, because I didn't. We start to argue, but we're not yelling, it's more like a passive-aggressive conversation. While we do, I kneel down to adjust the dog's loose collar, but I can't get the knot right. I try for several minutes before giving up. Once I get outside, the dream just sort of falls apart in terms of coherence.

> I felt like an asshole in this dream, though I think it's fair to say everyone in the dream was an asshole in one way or another-- except the dog. I think my reaction to my father specifically was very telling of my real-world worries; I'm so self-aware slash critical that I end up berating myself for tiny things, one of which being the way I text my family (alongside the lack of such). It makes me feel weirdly othered: how I struggle to send a text message out, like how I struggle with words when face-to-face with my siblings. And when I feel othered from my family, I feel like a failure. Autistic living isn't easy.

November 10th, 2023 / sex

I was on my back with my legs up in the air, Ogata was on top of me-- fucking me, obviously. But I kept half-waking up, so the dream would leave and then come back, leave and then come back. Yet every time I came back, he was still on top of me, staring down with this big grin on his face. He kept talking to me, coaxing me out of disorientation. As it progresses, I get more into it and start giggling, smiling, and moaning. At the end, he caresses my leg and says something along the lines of "you're mine".

October 18th, 2023 / funny

> This is less about the dream itself and more so about pointing out how good this note I wrote half-conscious is.

September 27th, 2023 / nightmare, family, kidnapping(?)

I was with my mom at our old house, lying in bed. I was simultaneously a child and an adult at the same time; I think my body was taller and I had some adult-ish aspects, but mentally I was pretty childish. It was nighttime and we were supposed to sleep, but she gets up and says we can't. I get upset because I'm so tired. So I ask her why, and mentions something about a "creep" being in our house. That freaks me out and wakes me up. I go over to her bureau and put my stuffed animals away, as I didn't want the intruder to steal them, but I end up taking two with me: a cat rattle I had as an infant and some sort of pink plushie, perhaps the same plushie I gave my mother in the hospital in real life. We go downstairs to talk to this detective outside. It's raining and he's sitting on the stoop. While we're walking, I wrap my arm around my mom and rest my head against her for comfort and she suddenly snaps, whisper-yelling to "stop touching me like a child". I stop and just stand there, watching her sit down next to the detective. Eventually, I come over to sit on his other side. I don't remember if they talk but I get curious and try to ask about the "creep" that's supposedly in our house. I don't think I get much of an elaboration. Growing more paranoid, I keep swiveling my head around to stare into our house from the corner of my eye to see if anyone's there. The detective takes me in his car to go to the police station, my mother following in her own car (I assumed, at least). The detective has a chaffeur, so we are both in the backseats. As we're going, I start to feel increasingly uneasy, like something is terribly wrong. He's talking with the radio on and the station changes to play Rivers by Singularity Music-- a good track, but one that is incredibly scary in this context. He slowly turns to look at me. He begins saying ominious things. "So, you say you often make impulsive decisions?", "you don't like that you trust people on a whim?", "you only have three friends?", all said while the music gradually picks up in volume. Then, it becomes the only thing I can hear. My stomach drops and I realize there was no creep in my house at all, that I was next to him. I want to open the car door and roll out, but I am immobilized with fear. I only shut my eyes tight.

> Woof. This was the sort of dream I could see being turned into a horror movie. I think the scariest part was absolutely the end, as this eerie feeling throughout the dream just kind of swelled and swelled before bursting in that moment like a pus bubble. Something that stands out to me aside from the horror is the fact my mother-- who I remember as a kind, mostly gentle and loving woman-- was aloof and cold to me in this dream. I'm honestly not sure what to make of that aspect.

August 16th, 2023 / funny

Demoman from TF2 was facing the camera, holding a big gun with a long, narrow barrel. He was saying something about how powerful he was and how big a role he played for his team. It abruptly cuts to a clip of him running super fast with the perspective set behind him. He's running towards this little water fountain device with a shrunk, almost baby-like version of Scout gulping from it. The whole time you can hear the sounds of explosions, gunfire, and fighting in the background. Demoman screams "WATER!!!" at the top of his lungs and starts unloading his gun nonstop into Scout before the dream cuts off.

June 8th, 2023 / funny

I'm with Ogata and we're in bed, cuddling. Everything is fine until he suddenly turns me around and screams into my face: "NO! GET OUT! GET OUT, YOU DUMB BITCH!" and I'm very confused because he's saying this whilst holding me in place. I obviously can't get out of bed due to this and I don't know why he's so mad.

> As absurd as this dream is, I honestly could see this as my subconscious telling me to "get out" from my abuser's clutches, as at the time I was still letting her stick around me. Maybe my brain was trying to convince me via my favorite character?

April 29th, 2023 / family, kidnapping, comfort, grief, animals

I'm married to a burly man. We have a daughter together. One day these people come while I'm alone with our child and they trick me using some sort of magic to kidnap her. When I realize, I start full-on viscerally screaming and sobbing. Our house has this entrance that leads to a big field at the top of a hill, I think it was access to a spirit realm of some kind. I crawl up there and continue to sob incredibly hard and loud until these spirit bears start materializing and running towards me. They're all spirits of people I knew, friends and family. One of them is a baby bear that was apparently the child me and my husband in the dream had before our daughter. They all surround me and comfort me, trying to calm me down. But then my husband returns home and asks what's going on and I tell him everything. He's distraught. Then I woke up.

> This dream is very interesting to me because I often don't have dreams of having children. The fact my child was taken from me through deception and forces I couldn't control I think communicates a taking of innocence and power; helplessness. If this dream was an outlet for the abuse I suffered (alongside the fact I still allowed my abuser around me at this time), it would make sense. I can also see the interpretations of it being about my own childhood and/or a simple family life being robbed from me making sense.

March 8th, 2023 / identity, insecurity, frustration, comfort

I was apart of a drag queen group that had assigned colors for everyone's outfits. Our drag mother was an older lady who wore all green and provided us our outfits. I was super nervous and shy about it all because everyone else was very nonchalant and comfortable with themselves while I was the youngest and inexperienced. But they were all supportive of me and kind, telling me they couldn't wait to see me dressed up. I went into this area outside an auditorium to get dressed and at first I thought my assigned color was red but then realized me and this other person had gotten our costumes accidentally swapped. We switched and got dressed-- my outfit was purple-blue. The pair of panties I had to wear had 'January' written on the front so I'm assuming our color were based around our birth months. While I'm waiting with the other girl (maybe another), we listen in to what they're saying onstage. The people hosting our show start saying something along the lines of how they are going to "introduce more older men as critics because they have sons". It's hard to explain but our group was essentially planning to do drag at this place as a form of protest, so this development makes us confused. This large crowd of older men starts filling the area we were waiting in and I got very angry. I taunted one of them with a pair of panties I had, saying something like "you've never seen this before in your life" and he begins mocking me in return while laughing, the other men joining him. At one point I turned around and the man had tried to steal my panties so I snatched them back out of his fingers. Later, we finally get to go up on stage for our performance and I'm super nervous. The lady I swapped clothes with earlier was in front of me in her drag; she was a tall, lanky redhead with a really pretty red dress and accessories. I clung to her because of how anxious I was. She looked back at me fondly and talked to me sweetly, trying to encourage me. While we walked, I saw these papers stuck to the wall. They were all drawings of our drag group: at least two drawings for each individual. I saw the drawings of me in drag and thought to myself, "I'm so beautiful". This nice song was playing in the background and I finally got the courage to let go of the lady in front of me to walk on my own. But the dream ended before I could perform.

> I find this dream rather self-explanatory-- my feelings of inadequacy in regards to my complex identity and how I present it, my longing for affirmation from those that understand, and (regarding the abrupt ending to the dream) how blocked I feel from truly expressing myself publically as a person that falls between the cracks. The addition of cisgendered, heterosexual, and unabashedly irritating men likely draws from my experience in "failing" at what they represent; I could never do masculinity in a way that both appeased others and appeased me. Performing masculinity made me feel trapped, just how I felt backstage with a room full of disparaging old men.