phi1l1y.neocities.org
***JOURNAL ENTRIES MAY CONTAIN ADULT/GRAPHIC CONTENT***MARCH 20TH, 2024, 9:39 PM, FEELING CURIOUS: I've quite a story today in lieu of another simple bug rescue... So, this is Korn, who I named because I was listening to said band while desperately trying to identify their species and sex last night. Earlier that day, I had caught them in a glass I had sitting around and set them aside for later, as I was on a call. Only when I went to release them this morning did I realize that they were partially stuck to the bottom-- the cup I had used was previously utilized for Jarritos. Feeling incredibly guilty, I sat on the balcony for around 30 minutes, struggling and eventually succeeding in freeing the poor thing from its sugary tar pit using a q-tip and my finger. But when I finally had, it came at the expense of one of its legs. While spiders of all sorts are very hardy creatures (many live normally in the wild with a missing leg or two, given they have eight in total), Korn here was obviously exhausted after the whole ordeal: simply perching on my finger with splayed legs while I cooed praise at them for their survival. I didn't like the prospect of simply putting them down and leaving like the others. So, instead, I took them back inside, carefully scooted them into a small takeout container, hunted a moth in my bathroom as a food offering, and wetted the corner of a paper towel to act as a makeshift sponge my new responsibility could hopefully drink from. Korn currently sits atop my snake enclosure, probably a little confused about what is going on, but notably doing a lot better. I'm hoping I can release them tomorrow; I just want them to have a chance... or maybe I'm lying and I've simply bonded to this little speck. Anyway! Korn is what I believe to be a juvenile platycryptus undatus, or tan jumping spider. The markings on it's thorax had me fooled as eyes for a long while. As for sex, the question is still out... they are teeny-tiny, so it is very difficult to truly get a good look at them, which leads me to believe they are still only a baby. Everybody keep Korn in your thoughts!! The strongest jumping spider I've ever met!!
MARCH 11TH, 2024, 9:53 AM, FEELING CHILL: New spider rescue alert. Caught ANOTHER cellar spider (pholcidae), this time in my room. I'm inclined to think it's an adolescent/smaller female, as it was big but not as large as the last female cellar I caught. Regardless, I scooped it up into the same container I always use and let it stay with me overnight, as it had been raining all day and I didn't want the poor thing to just immediately die. Suggested by Ivy itself, it is affectionately named IvyTwo, like AudreyTwo from LSoH. Hehe. Was very polite when I let it outside. I've been playing a lot of Elden Ring.
FEBRUARY 16TH, 2024, 1:24 PM, FEELING GOOD: Last night I got surprised by my AmiAmi package! I'm so shocked they arrived so soon... I pre-ordered these back in December as a present for myself, and they only became in-stock at the very end of January. They shipped on the 8th, and then arrived yesterday on the 15th. I was wholly expecting to wait a good few weeks, so I'm very happy! My collection grows. Sugi's hat is a little squished... (P.S. the endearing drawing of Vasily in the back is by Ivy's dad, who likes to do referenced doodles of characters. He also did one of Ogata that I love, but she unfortunately didn't have it on hand when sending me a letter for my birthday).
FEBRUARY 13TH, 2024, 1:54 PM, FEELING BORED: Not much on the noggin' today but I am thinking about my friends, specifically because I went through and read our movie reviews on Letterboxd. They're very funny to me (feel free to read them yourself). We've finally been watching the Saw movies together after a long time of being like "we need to see Saw" "can we see Saw" over and over til the point it became an inside joke. Happy to say we are now on Saw 5! Ivy is the Saw aficionado so we've been heavily guided along by it's wisdom. It is all very funny to me because I legitimately cannot watch these movies on my own; I am very, very squeamish when it comes to blood and gore, yet I really like horror movies. So, we compromised by having Ivy act as my gore alarm system. When we're Sawing, he continuously has to yell "Kitty! Look away, look away!" whenever there's gore so that I don't freak out. Once, it forgot how to say "look away" and instead just shouted "GO AWAY! GO AWAY!" at me. I love my friends. Anyway, I've been considering a site revamp as of recent... I'm not sure how I want things to look, but I want them different somehow. We'll see. I should make a milkshake... Oh! My Ogata and Sugimoto animal plushes shipped, I am very excited about receiving them. I'll show them when they arrive in a few weeks time. I like to call the Ogata cat "Ogatito".
JANUARY 15TH, 2024, 3:37 PM, FEELING OKAY: today marks this site's creation and my 21st birthday. i want to say i feel excited, but... i truly don't! i still feel 20, and in a way, i still feel 19 and 18, too. i feel as light as a teenager most days. perhaps even a toddler. but my lack of enthusiasm should not be mistaken for sadness, nor dread; i simply am 21, which is okay with me. maybe a little more than okay, because it is snowing! yes! it is snowing on my birthday!! it's a beautifully dumb thing to be pleased over. i can't even remember the last time it snowed on my birthday, or any holiday for that matter. there's a word i want to use that's dancing tauntingly on the tip of my tongue, yet i can't remember her name... some sort of synonym about the divine, a writing on the wall... i don't really think it means anything, but still, can't i wonder? i'm rambling incoherently. my birthday reminds me of being previously convinced about how i would never make it this far. at first, i was going to be dead by 14. but then i was 15. 16, 17, 18, and by 19 i didn't even bother estimating: it would've been futile. i was going to survive, whether i liked it or not. i can say sincerely that i do like that i've made it, and i've long-since realized how lucky i am to have been given the gift of growing older, of being a human, of being born. oh, and of hard cider, too.
JANUARY 14TH, 2024, 11:23 PM, FEELING GOOD: it is miss bunny's get-day!! :,) she was about ~3 months old when i got her according to her breeders, so she's about ~1.3 years old! happy birthday, dear daughter. i wanted to cuddle with her today, but rather conveniently, she's a little blue (in shed). here's cute pics from a few weeks ago.
JANUARY 4TH, 2024, 1:20 PM, FEELING GOOD: happy new year~! i did not mean to add a tilde there but it looks cute and unassuming, so it can stay. i hope everyone is having a good one. last night, i decided to buy elden ring because of the steam sale. it's a really good game; i know because i pirated it first many months ago :p. the dlc will (hopefully) be here in the coming months, so i wanna be ready for that. i'm not sure what class and build i'll go for this time around. maybe wretch for the challenge. in other news, my birthday-- which is also this site's birthday-- is coming up. 21 with no kids. i need to get my license to go out to bars. i want a butch to offer me a drink... (dyke sigh).
DECEMBER 24TH, 2023, 1:21 AM, FEELING BORED: hellooooooo. there is a lot to report on. one, i have removed my fitness log from the site out of caution for my own health. i realized it was beginning to weigh on me to have something like that public, and it started giving working out a lot of bad feelings to it. so it's gone! i really have to be the opposite of lenient with those sorts of things. two, there have been many a bug rescues! well, spider rescues... and i am doing my best to identify them from now on. on 11/23/23, i rescued the first one pictured, which is what i believe is a cheiracanthium (yellow sac spider). i named it "stubborn cunt", as when i went to release it, it stubbornly stayed in the container until i had to physically usher the bugger out. on 12/19/23 and 12/20/23, i rescued "peeping tom" and "penny" respectively-- both cellar spiders of the pholcidae family. penny was much larger (in span, at least), probably the biggest spider i've ever caught, which may insinuate tom is either a male or a baby. or perhaps he's just small. third and last of all, i've started learning acoustic guitar. it's been fun and rewarding, though my fingers are incredibly unhappy about it. currently, i've been focusing on chord transitions between the D and A chords, trying to work up to at least 30 in under a minute before i move along. so far, i've gotten to 21. i despise A chord i think.
NOVEMBER 2ND, 2023, 1:19 PM, FEELING CHILL: there was ANOTHER bug rescue this week; a spider. her name is "loam surfer the wiggling" and she was boldly dangling above my bed monday morning. let her outside after cooing over her in a cup just like the previous. i ate a whole bag of mini kit kats... speaking of which, i got a christmas ad the night of halloween. they really don't waste time anymore, do they?
OCTOBER 26TH, 2023, 11:10 AM, FEELING GOOD: i rescued a bug. he was crawling up my wall and i was so close to killing him but then i looked at him for longer than two seconds and suddenly couldn't make myself do it. put him in a cup and fawned over him aloud to myself because he had one antenna stuck to his pincers and was using his little legs to try and fix it (he did eventually). named him "murder baby 7000 the tormentor (but also the lover)" so that when he goes back to his bug friends they'll be like oh shit, he's so cool. he's free now. tried to crawl towards me after i set him down and it triggered my motherly instincts so i forced myself away. lol. i don't know what kind of bug he is.
OCTOBER 20TH, 2023, 7:00 PM, FEELING STRANGE: i just ate some really great mahi mahi tacos from a place i like. they put a lot of aioli on it this time which made it pretty messy but it was worth it. today is my late mother's birthday, a day that has always been surrounded by weird feelings. she was young when she died, and i even younger. it feels like a kick in the gut to have someone's birthday come when they aren't even around to celebrate it. to me, it's a similar feeling to being a kid in the checkout line when your parent suddenly goes to grab something, leaving you with a cashier peering down at you. anticipation of something with only nothing as the outcome; a deja-vu. uncomfortable is the simple word, maybe. sometimes it comes and i'm a pitiful mess, other years it comes and i almost forget. today was the latter and when i remembered a subtle bubbling of shame hit my stomach. of course i know i don't have to prove myself-- the only person i could have to is long dead. but it's still there, that lingering feeling of wanting to apologize, to say in a child's voice: "i'm sorry for forgetting the day, but i never forget you, mother". sometimes i think about raising a family of my own... i'm getting off topic. happy birthday.
OCTOBER 11TH, 2023, 10:03 PM, FEELING CHILL: my neck hurts, it's been hurting for awhile. also hello out there, it's been a small bit. some stuff has happened in my life since i last updated my little corner but i suppose the biggest is that i've finally fully cut my blood-sucking abuser off. YAY! i've been doing surprisingly great with it-- i didn't even feel much when it first happened, though i did talk absolute trash with my friends over the phone about it afterwards. it's incredibly therapeutic to talk and laugh about how royalled fucked she is with people and have them reaffirm her fucked-up-ness. it's therapeutic even now just typing this. shit she did to me was comically insane... i'm just glad to be out of the explosion radius now lol. earlier i ate the worst tasting cashew in my whole life.
JULY 20TH, 2023, 1:30 PM, FEELING BORED: not sure what to do with my time today. had no power for a few hours due to maintenance, so i listened to voice memos on my phone (the ones where i ranted about my abusive relationship, to be specific-- it's strangely comforting and entertaining to look back on my own feelings) for a bit before remembering i had some movies downloaded on my old, laggy laptop. decided to watch (most) of the shining. i have acid reflux now from eating sour cream and onion chips.
JUNE 18TH, 2023, 7:32 PM, FEELING ELATED: today was such an extremely good day-- i'm really not sure how to put it into words just how happy i am. i've been battling agoraphobia for years now; so terrified of the outside and other people and myself for years. and i just suddenly had enough today. i experienced an epiphany in the car while my second-oldest sister was driving me home from a small family get-together, something i was expecting to go horribly that actually ended up being very fun. the epiphany was that i didn't want to be this anymore: i was stagnant, and no, it wasn't just because i have a treatment-resistant and varyingly-disorded (and autistic) brain. it was me. it was my doing just as much as those other things. maybe even more. i felt tired, i felt angry, i was done. years passing with my life being mostly an oxymoron; i didn't live before, i wasn't living now, and i was going to continue to not live if i didn't do something. done. i got home and, instead of doing the usual after any trip (stay in my room, "recuperating", indulging in the same moment-to-moment pointless gratification i did every night like clockwork), i went outside. i walked my ass to a wawa, i bought a monster and a bag of candy, i walked back, sat at the bench overlooking the pond outside, and existed in public. it sounds so menial, doesn't it? but the euphoria i felt staring out at that pond hit me like a fuckton of bricks. hell, the euphoria i felt walking to the wawa with one earbud in, the euphoria of awkwardly crossing a road twice and probably pissing off some poor drivers, the euphoria of handing my five and two one's hesitantly to the pretty cashier, the euphoria of standing outside the wawa with the bag in my mouth as i tried to get a good grip on my phone with full hands, the euphoria of my underworked legs aching as i walked up the sloped sidewalk to my complex. i finally allowed myself to exist inside the shared world instead of hoping and praying that i could somehow find a way to make it exist (or, i suppose not) around me. i laughed to myself about things, i stretched out on the bench to get comfortable, i cooed to bumblebees and birds, i listened to music and tapped along to it, humming. i felt no shame. i felt no fear. for once in my fucking life i felt truly alive. later, i even came back outside with a blanket, my ogata keychain plush (that showed up when i came home in a stroke of good fortune after being lost in the mail for two days), and my phone to call with my best friends-- outside. doing that outside. i can't emphasize how insane that was to me. i don't know how i lived in absolute fear of the world for so goddamn long because i felt so fucking good, sitting on that blanket and laughing heartily-- loudly-- with these loved ones over the phone, zero shame. this has gotten long, i'm not sorry, though. here's two pictures i took of ogata in a mini-photoshoot. cute, right?
MAY 31ST, 2023, 11:28 PM, FEELING INDECISIVE: i want to do so many things at once. let me go outside, let me stay inside, let me draw, let me write, let me sing, let me talk, let me shut up, let me go on the computer, let me contact my damn doctor like i was supposed to a week ago. not angry, just kind of frozen. also i want to suck off a girl incredibly bad-- earlier i was losing my fucking mind looking at pictures of that woman from kill bill. i haven't even watched that movie (yet).
MAY 15TH, 2023, 8:22 PM, FEELING BORED: worked some more on the site today, i'm really liking how it's coming. today was incredibly boring for me otherwise. i watched the new golden kamuy episode and it was good, i'm glad i checked the end scene 'cause i would've missed the ogata reveal. i want to do something fun, but don't know what even would be fun. this gnat won't leave me alone, either.
MAY 14TH, 2023, 11:04 PM, FEELING CHILL: finally opened brackets for the first time in a hot minute and actually worked on shit. amazing. i've been at it for about three hours so far, not sure if i want to break soon or keep pushing. that's a lie now that i type it out-- i'm taking a break lol. snack and relax...